Shaunti Feldhahn

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Subject: Marriage advice needed
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NicoleBUser is Offline

Posts:2
04/28/2009 7:05 PM  
Hello, My husband and I have only been married for 4 months and we are experiencing some difficulty in our relationship. My husband is relatively insecure and his confidence is hindering our relationship. Along with this, he does not "think" like I do (which is totally expected and understood) which obviously leads to minor miscommunications and disagreements. We have had several talks about how easily frustrated I am with him (my fault) as well as his lack of loving, considerate, attentive actions (his fault). We will have a conversation about things that we are going to work on and it seems like I am the only one working and he is not making improvements. I am not looking for advice of what to say to him to get my point across; instead, I am desperately seeking advice on how I can control MY view of the situation to help make our marriage better. I am fully aware that I have 0 control over him and that I can only control my own thoughts, feelings, etc. Thanks in advance... Nicole
TiffanyUser is Offline

Posts:29
04/30/2009 11:12 AM  
I must be married to your husband's twin.  Bottom line...my advice is to learn PATIENCE & accept the fact that he can't process everything all at once.  For example, I read FWO, FMO, Keeping Your Wife Your Best Friend, & Intimate Issues before he had read half of FMO.  I am giving 100% to fixing our marriage & I am trying to apply everything I've learned.    Of course there was a lot I wanted to talk about after all my reading.  He however can't seem to process more than 1 new thing at a time.  I coaxed him to finish FMO.  I kinda wish I hadn't done that.  I should have let him read 1 chapter & then give him time to think about it & apply that topic before moving on to the next 1. 

Remember...his mental computer can't have more than one window open at a time, whereas your mental computer probably has many windows open all the time.  Maybe after you 2 talk about something that you want to work on, you should 1st give him time to think about it & then give him time to apply it instead of expecting immediate results.

As for the insecurity part, my husband brags about himself / his accomplishments to others & it drives me crazy.  I finally told him (in a loving way) that he's hurting himself by doing this because (1) Others & I see it as an insecurity because he feels that he has to point out his accomplishments, & (2) I can't ever "brag" or say something good about him to others because he's already done it, & (3) God says you shouldn't stand on the street corner & shout out your good deeds. 

If you try talking to him about his insecurity, be very cautious because you're telling him something for his own good (tough love), but it is also going to be like criticism.  I told him I would want him to tell me if there was something I was doing that was hurting me more than helping me.

BE PATIENT!
TiffanyUser is Offline

Posts:29
04/30/2009 11:20 AM  

Another point...if he sees that you're changing & treating him better (even if you feel like he isn't doing anything different), he's going to notice the change in you.  That in itself may be something that he needs time to accept.  I think it would be an encouragement to him to see you wanting to be better.  It would probably help his insecurity too to see that changing can be a good thing & realize he's not the only one with "problem areas" that are fixable.
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