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PJohns
Posts:3
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| 05/10/2009 4:57 PM |
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Hello. I picked up FWO because my husband said he was through. I thought maybe the book could tell me something I'm doing wrong and give me tips on how to change to save the marriage - hoping maybe this was just a stress reaction because of the tough times. He's had a rough year (I've been the sole provider for the last year, but he finally found employment last week).
What I learned shocked me, and the chapter on sex really hit me hard.
You see, I have never- in over 10 yeas of marriage (and 3 previous years of dating), been attracted to my husband. I made that clear to him when we first became friends. I'm not sure why he married me, but the lack of attraction rears it's ugly head every couple of years, and only our interpretation of scripture (that divorce is wrong) and our concern for our child have kept us together.
Well, now I read this book, and I wonder how on earth I can salvage this relationship? I can't give him what he needs (a wife who "desires" him). I don't know if it's because of being autistic or what, but while I never "turn him down" because I know it's important to him, it IS mainly of duty and he knows it.
He really is a great guy. And he's a good father. And he still thinks I'm cute. So I'd rather not lose him, and would appreciate your suggestions.
I know the first suggestion will be going to counseling to see why I'm not "interested" in intimacy. It's the way I'm wired, and I'm tired of trying to change my neurological structure. Please give me some other ideas.
Thank you.
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Jerimiah
Posts:4
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| 05/11/2009 4:51 AM |
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Hi Pjohns,
Me, being a guy, would have a hard time coming up with something to say that can help. I do know how he feels. You stated you do not know why he married you. My question is why did you marry him? There had to be something about him that attracted you. Focus on those. Personality, does he make you laugh? He stated he is a great guy and good father. Those are good traits.
Do you folks go to a church? If not, then find one you both can agree on. It doe not just take two to keep a marriage together, it take three; Husband, Wife and God.
This is the best I can do, I really hope it helps. Good luck to you.
-J- |
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PJohns
Posts:3
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| 05/16/2009 3:59 PM |
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That's what makes the situation so bad. I married him because my mother told me to. I know that was a dumb reason, but he was the only guy interested in me in college, and I trusted that my mom knew what she was talking about. I think she truly wanted what's best for me.
His hobbies are solitary things, like computers so we never really do things together, but I try to focus on the fact that he's a nice guy. Doesn't hit like the men I grew up with. Doesn't drink, smoke, grow weed (or deal). I've asked him to figure out some things we could do together, since the book mentioned men like to "play" with their wives, but when he comes up with something he wants to do, he immediately says oh, that won't work because you can't do that. I said I would try on a few items, but his reaction makes me think he's not serious (for example, he said "I've always wanted to start doing racquetball- oh, but you can't do that because of your wrist surgery).
It's funny- everyone says go back to the spark you once had. But we had no spark. Other than going out to eat sometimes, we never really "did" anything. I would hang out in his room talking to his roommate while he worked on some computer, gaming, or other project.
And he's really good with our son, wheras I am not.
But here's what really gets me: He doesn't want to be the one to leave. He wants me gone, but he doesn't want to initiate (because that would give him a bad name with our church). And I don't want to leave (mainly because I'm scared that it will scar my son, but also a little scared to be on my own). So I told him I'm not leaving.
But how do I make this home tolerable for all of us, and especially for my son? |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 05/16/2009 7:49 PM |
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After reading everything you had to say, I only got one thing that sounds "right."
First off, this is something that God has to be involved in. If He isn't the center, then you will continue to make the wrong decisions. So, pray, and ask God for guidance. Also ask close Christian friends what to do(maybe church friends).
One thing I am sure is, we constantly make wrong decisions. And God is constantly showing us what we need to choose to get back on the path He has planned for us.
Maybe you made the wrong decision to marry your husband. In that case, you have to think about: Is it better for your son to grow up with a mom and dad (who may or may not love each other) and it clearly shows, or would it be better if a divorce was best?
My parents got divorced when I was like 3 or 4. Then my mom remarried and got divorced from him 10 years later. Now my mom has remarried again. My dad is still single. It hurt alot to have divorced parents, but it built character in me.
God knows whats best for us, just like parent's know whats best for their children. You have to ask God whats best for you.
I know you said you don't want to leave and neither does your husband. Both having your own reasons. Try not to figure out whos at fault to determine who should leave, talk it out and see if you can come to a medium. Another thing I've learned from God is, you can't always get what you want (later to be covered by the Rollings Stones..hehe).
I'm not saying you guys should split up. I'm just trying to show you God, and show you the portion of my life that (somewhat) relates to this.
I hope this helps. |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 05/16/2009 11:04 PM |
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As someone who has been married for a long time, I have to ask... are you two best friends? Because at the end of the day, if you're aren't best friends, it doesn't matter if you married George Clooney or Buddy Hackett, the relationship is going to be built on shifting sand, at best.
The more you like someone... the more you fall in love with them... the better they look to you. And from some of the things you've said, it sounds like there is more going on here than a lack of physical attraction.
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 05/16/2009 11:05 PM |
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Oh, and I absolutely DO NOT suggest divorce. Decide NOW to never make that an option. If you are truly clinging to the Word of God to guide this situation, I know you won't consider it.
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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