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lonelyathome
Posts:2
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| 10/01/2010 9:13 AM |
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| My husband and I have been married for 21 years this October... the first 13 unhappily.. We were churched throughout our life but failed to truly know what it meant to be Christians. At the 13 year mark after years of verbal abuse and living separate lives, I left him after begging and pleading with him to get help with our marriage. The good ending to that event was while I was gone he came to know the Lord and gave his life to Christ. Shortly after I came back (some 9 months later) I came to know the Lord and truly knew what Gods intention for marriage was all about. My husbands life altering changes were amazing.. not a foul word from his mouth, he treated me like a princess and life was bliss.. I quit my Corporate job that next summer.. came home to be his "helpmate"... through the years since the relationship has backslidden.. I am at fault in so many ways as well.. I have a spending problem.. I spend when he treats me poorly... Call me an idiot or worse and I retreat... I am back at the same state as before.. I am empty as a walnut shell emotionally. Nothing I do in any arena of my life is "worthy".. He has taken to treating me poorly, which he says is because I damaged the relationship with my spending and poor financial habits. Which he refuses to have ANYTHING to do with.. he threatens, I tell him PLEASE take care of it... and again and again he refuses.. his statement is "if you cannot take care of it then I have no use for you"..We serve at our local Church, where I can find some solace.. I am gifted being creative as well as organizationally... but even now he criticizes anything and everything I do or attempt to do, whether it is related to Church or other areas. He has ALWAYS had a very critical spirit and I pray that God will take that from him, nothing anyone, including himself is ever good enough. but that becomes old and wears on a soul. We have no friends that we do anything with.. I am not allowed to have girl friends.. they are a bad influence... it is easier to not have the human contact that to hear all that is "wrong" with them all .. I have read Sahunti's book numerous times, each time with the resolve to be a better wife.. respect him, which is increasingly harder to do.. I know I am commanded to.. unconditionally to respect him.. Although what respect is sometimes alludes me.. Do not call me lazy, or fat, or stupid, I cannot get "past" those verbal bashes and "respect" him.. Please pray for me... We own 2 businesses, (Excavating and Graphics)with no employees. No children of our own. I am his "helpmate" in the sense he has defined, that I do everything .. I work out on the jobsites, in the trenches, side by side with him. I do the bookwork, answer all the phone calls, look at the jobs, do the quotes (which we argue about every time I get one prepared for his review), I do all our taxes for both businesses as well as do all the aspects of the Graphics business. Housework, cooking, laundry etc. None of which if you ask him, and alot of times if you don't, I do well. I usually can survive on other peoples admiration for a job well done.. but what is missing at home has left me empty. I feel no "love" for him and any kind of affection is GONE out the WINDOW... Part of this is because I am a sensitive person, and the verbal bashes leave me debilitated at times. Throw into the mix we now have a 17 year old girl living with us, that we have know for 3 years and she has worked for us in the summer months.. with a home life that would make you cringe... she made the choice to leave home and runaway.. we gave her a home.. we love her dearly and I do not regret her being here. What I do regret is the bond and relationship that He and her now have.. she is his best friend and he is the best daddy to her in the world. I know he loves her like his own child.. I do as well.. but I want to be the "princess".. and when I tell him that I want to be treated like the princess and a first class citizen, he tells me to quit acting like a 3rd class human then... I have withdrawn and the close relationship that she and I built through the 3 years prior is gone.. she goes to "daddy" first.. and he talks to her over me. He and I have nothing left.. but his world revolves around her.. I have tried to talk to him about how I feel and he tells me to grow up.. that she deserves the best for all she went through.. She helps him all the time and she is a good kid.. but now I am compared to her.. if I cannot do something to his approval on a jobsite, he throws in that "even she can do that better than me". How can I respect him... help me be the better Christian... I want the position of princess in his life.. not servant girl.. I still do all the cooking and cleaning, if I ask or suggest that she help out I get read the riot act and told that it is "my job"... I cannot wait to get to heaven to read what "my job" description is... because I am failing miserably at it here on earth ... |
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LovingMomma
Posts:4
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| 10/09/2010 4:26 PM |
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| Well I answered your other question, but now I think things changed after reading more of the story. Personally I would go to the church and talk to your preacher about this issue, be completely honest. If you are treating your husband with respect and he is treating you this way he is not doing his job. According to the bible you are supposed to treat him with respect, but he is also supposed to love you as he loves himself. Also I would really watch out for what is going on with him and this girl that has come to live with you both. Something sounds off there to me, and I would be worried that it is more then a dad, daughter relationship. I hope not, but there is something about that that really bothers me. She is not his daughter, and there could be more there that you are trying not to see. You need to learn to respect yourself, you really dont deserve to be treated the way that you are. I am not for divorce or seperation in most cases, but there are times when it is very damaging to the individual and the spirit that I feel it is important. I think you really need to consider what you value about yourself, and whether this is the right place for you. |
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craig
Posts:1
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| 07/06/2011 9:00 PM |
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Lonelyathome, I'm a 36 year old man that has been married to my wife for 9 years yesterday and have raised 2 pretty darn cool step children that I have devoted my life too. "I TOO" have been like your husband is being right now! My wife left our home last week and she just flat out wouldn't call me or anything which literally destroyed me inside. I have for some time now been simply asking my wife to "respect me" and to have enough respect just to text me or call me to let me know she's ok when she goes out with her friends. She has yet to even do that once. She says "your just dont' want me to have friends, you want to smother me (even though I hardly ever see her during the week because I work nights and she works days), and you don't trust me"...........
Now, I have cut cartwheels and jumped through every hoop imaginable for my wife and step children (who i refer to as my son and daughter, not step kids) because I love them dearly and I worry about them all the time. I have begged my wife to respect me or even just talk to me for that matter but her replies are always the same..... "you do all the talking, you won't even let me get a word in otherwise, you want to control me" ect ect........ that is so far from the truth that it stinks like the crap that it is..... I want my wife to be happy and grow because I love her but she continues to point out all of my flaws, i don't do this, I don't do that, and it's just simply put a total lack of respect for me period. So who is not trusting who in my situation?
well, when she finally left me (to seek out her inner self and left her family sitting at the house while she stayed with a "family" on their couch), I felt like snell crap inside. She has completely destroyed me inside and she done this right before our 9th anniversary no less. She's turning 40 tommorow and to me that is a special day for her just like yesterday our anniversary but we have done nothing but fight and crap still. She can't admit when she is wrong and she twists it all back on me!! ?????? She starts telling me of all my faults again while I"m trying to build her up.
Well, today, she told me about a bag she brought back to the house and asked me to put it in the closet for her. I said no problem, but curiosity killed me because I've never seen the bag before. Low and behold, guess what I found in it? A love note from a co-worker to her that was a year old. It broke my freaking heart into a billion pieces and then the rage kicked in overdrive. All morning long, just straight up yelling at each other. Then we calmed down a bit and she swears to me that it was never a romantic relationship and that he wanted something more and she didn't go there. Now it makes sense to me of where the disrespect and the non-trust issues have been coming from. No doubt I make plenty of mistakes in my marriage but my love for her is absolute in my heart and I show her as often as I humanly can but she has to always tell me of how I smother her and etc............. She says she wants to work it out but I'm literally at the end of my rope and inside, I"ve been beat down enough so my bags are packed and sitting in the basement. I will be part of the solution from my point of view but IT ABSOLUTELY TAKES 2 TO TANGO. If she isn't going to atleast try to do her part, I think my ballgame is over. Sometimes, our heart and our feelings guide us to the answer to the problems and it just so happened that today, I think I stumbled on our biggest one via that love note. She couldn't even say she was sorry, she said she was sorry she didn't throw it away......... If only we think about what we are saying before we speak! .............................. I think that the hope for true change is zero............. Good luck with you and your hubby but 110% HONESTY in discussion without stabbing each other emotionally I think is the key to all........... I'm sure it's out there somewhere but unfortunately, it's not in my world............. SAD AS HELL. |
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