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SteveGreaves
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| 01/16/2011 7:51 AM |
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| I'm in a slightly sticky situation. My issue isn't that I can't get my head around the books, or that I don't understand how to implement the advice.
My problem is a lot simpler, but a lot nastier too:
Should I apply these methods, if it would be at some level dishonest for me to do so.
Can I tell her I'm in love with her, when I really don't feel it?
Can I say she's beautiful, when I really don't mean it?
Obviously I'm staring at the book, with hammer well and truly in hand, and attempting to rectify the knowledge of how I should be treating my partner with the command to be truthful. (these being the worst predicaments for the biblical ethicist)
I'm a fairly decent liar I've found, but should I really be trying to maintain a facade of attraction that really doesn't exist.
I know what I would need if married (currently engaged, so the break-up is a distant blip on the horizon as far as options go) is simple:
Prayer and... more prayer...
But I had hoped someone might know of another resource for restoring the emotional attraction in myself as well, or for the analysis of said attraction. I'm uncertain as to the wisdom of depending on the effect of sexuality on the relationship as a source of renewed attraction.
The question mostly applies to the meantime, until my feeling is restored. I'm conscious that this would be the "rick roll" of pop up windows, and that it might be better to wait it out in silence than to put that hurt into my partner's head and heart.
Yours
SG |
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Peace
Posts:13
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| 01/16/2011 6:37 PM |
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| You don't think she's beautiful, and you're not in love with her, but you're planning on marrying her? Let me ask you this: setting aside the feeling of "in love," do you love her? If you can't answer yes with absolute certainty, then it may be the kindest thing you could do to consider breaking it off. Trapping her in a loveless marriage when you know in advance that this will be her situation would be a terrible injustice to her. If, on the other hand, you do actually love her but just don't find her terribly attractive, then there is a way you can still apply the principles honestly. Certainly this woman must have some attractive qualities (specific physical features like eyes or hair? Spiritual qualities like kindness, compassion, or intelligence?) or else I can't imagine why you're engaged to her. Look for the qualities you do appreciate and admire in her, and tell her how much you appreciate those things ("Honey, I love the way you help people in need. Your compassion is really beautiful"). And if you decide to stay in the relationship, keep looking. The more you look for good things in people, the more you find them. |
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SteveGreaves
Posts:2
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| 01/16/2011 10:23 PM |
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Thankyou for your reply, that's pretty much where I am now (though my intention was to let her choose between trying to work this out or letting it end). I can reassure you that I have every intention of working all this out prior to heading for the altar!
As for the other, I'll give that a shot over the next little while (i.e. until I can speak with my minister about how the heck you're supposed to talk through something like this). Shouldn't be too hard, I definitely love her, just not perhaps in a way that she would find satisfying or equivalent to her own feelings. |
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