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Ally
Posts:1
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| 07/14/2008 6:18 PM |
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I am struggling with how to deal with my husband's addiction to pornography. We have been married for a short time and i have been aware of his addiction for a long time now, even before we were married and I have tried to talk to him about it and tried to be there for him. I have offered to go to counciling with him and to help him find a support group that will help him but nothing really seems to help. I love my husband very much and he means the world to me but his addiction is tearing our marriage apart. Nothing seems to help and I feel us growing farther and farther apart. This addiction has pushed us so far apart that we barely talk anymore or we just fight all the time and it has taken a very sever toll on our sexual relationship too. And I just feel like I am at my ropes end and I dont know what to do. If anyone has any advice please feel free to share. Thanks.
Ally
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 07/16/2008 8:18 PM |
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Ally,
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with such a painful situation. My heart really goes out to you.
I wanted to point you to some really good resources here on our website where pornography addiction is addressed. Hopefully this will help you find a jumping off point in how to deal with your husband's addiction.
Reader Corner/Hot Topics section of the website –there is a specific question about pornography addiction here.
This section is a section that contains the written testimony of a woman who once had the very same problem.
And this is the video version of her testimony.
I hope this helps! We'll be praying for you.
-Julie Fidler
Project Specialist
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Linda Crews
Posts:14
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| 07/19/2008 8:12 PM |
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Hi Ally, I'm Shaunti's project manager. I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a painful issue. I hope you know that you are not alone and many other women deal with this issue. There is one more resource on our website - the link below is the page where we have the issues related to our sexualized culture. In addition to the video and written testimony, you will find a document, Steps of Hope, which will outline things you can DO to get beyond the pain and paralysis.
http://www.shaunti.com/BooksStudies/ForWomenOnly/GoBeyondtheBook/tabid/188/Default.aspx
I hope this will be of some help and please, don't give up hope for yourself to be free from the bondage that his addiction has placed on you. There is hope.
Linda Crews
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DLCummings
Posts:2
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| 09/07/2008 7:07 PM |
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Ally,
I notice that you mentioned specifically support "groups." I'm not sure if that was literal or not, but . . . As a man, I find it unlikely that most men would go to a group setting to talk about addiction to porn. I personally would favor a simple, male counselor to speak with--particularly one who understands the value of sympathy (many people are not).
If you are willing to divulge more I might be of assistance to you further (as a recovering porn addict myself). However, if you do please shoot me an email as I doubt I will visit this forum very regularly.
cfm.dlcummings -at- gmail -dot- com
Cheers,
DL
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Mateusz
Posts:1
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| 09/10/2008 2:11 AM |
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| As a man who is addicted i will say: Before I red '' For men only '' i didn't understand real problem with porn. I was thinking '' Yes it might me wrong but i don't cheat my girl.'' . Porn was relaxing my ( men's ) sexual pression. I'm not doing it aobut 1 year but my girl doesn't belive me. After this book I realised myself that is really bad for my girl and me too. I can say : My girl loved me, was respect me. But it was to big problem for her and now . After 3 years i can say : Maybe she loves me but she doesn't respect me. And You all know that respect is most important for us (men). |
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Fallen Short
Posts:5
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| 09/25/2008 10:07 PM |
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Posted By DLCummings on 09/07/2008 7:07 PM
I notice that you mentioned specifically support "groups." I'm not sure if that was literal or not, but . . . As a man, I find it unlikely that most men would go to a group setting to talk about addiction to porn.
Men may be adverse to talking in a small group, but I can tell you from personal experience, that if they are willing to step outside their comfort zone and join such a group, they can get a LOT of healing from it. When you get a bunch of guys who all struggle with the same issues talking about their struggle and being real with each other, you can get quite a bit of encouragement from it. I do. I have been battling a porn addiction for 2.5 years, and I am still attending a "for men only" group. I have no plans to stop attending at this time becuase I really do get a lot of strength from it. In fact, pretty much all my healing has come as a result of that group and talking to my (male) christian counselor. My wife says she is interested in helping me, but I don't think she really is because any mention of my addiction creates an anger response in her. She even admitted to me over dinner one night that she thinks sex addicts are evil .... that sure made me feel great 
I have sinned and fallen short of God's glory, and only by his mercy can I face each day. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 09/27/2008 5:08 PM |
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You have to understand, though, that this addiction has probably hurt your wife a great deal, and she needs time to work through things. Is she seeing a counselor who can explain to her what this addiction is AND what it isn't? It might be very helpful to her. If she could find a Christian support group for wives that are dealing with this problem, that would help, too.
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Fallen Short
Posts:5
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| 09/28/2008 3:13 PM |
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| She has expressed an interest in talking to a christian counselor, but she hasn't followed through yet. I really believe it would be a help for her and have encouraged her to go. I am doing my best to be supportive of her no matter what. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 09/30/2008 10:57 AM |
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Good for you. You sound like a good guy trying to make things right. I will keep you in prayer.
-Julie |
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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kittynguyen
Posts:1
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| 10/02/2008 8:30 AM |
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Hi Ally,
I am a new comer, I just wonder how you are right now. Have you received any help or figure out any solution?
best,
Kitty
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Kevin Howard-Tripp
Posts:2
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| 06/14/2009 6:09 AM |
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Hi firstly your husband needs to realise that he needs help he doesn't realize where he is headed and how awful that road can become it is only through a support group that i realized where i was headed,
Secondly you need to find out what the route cause is for him doing this it could be something way back in his past. mine was my father told me i was useless and should have been born a woman then i could have been used for sex and would have been worth something. see it isn't you he has a need and he is trying to fill it with porn |
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 06/15/2009 4:21 PM |
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| Kevin, when you said "he has a need & he is trying to fill it with porn", a light bulb went off in my head. Recently my husband & I were chatting with a (male) friend & the subject was an issue with my husband's employer. Bottom line conculsion...my husband said he realizes now that he needs to be more confident in himself. That made me wonder if I need to be more supportive, encouraging, & repectful to help him gain confidence in general, & maybe that will help him not need porn to fill that void. Am I way off base with this thought? |
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Stealth Femme
Posts:1
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| 10/27/2009 1:57 PM |
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Hey Lady,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but one thing I know about us ladies is thinking that we can change men. This is a gem that was passed on to me from a Christian married couple that really stuck with me:
"YOU MUST BE SATISFIED WITH HOW YOUR MAN IS BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST SEX"...
Once we have married man and given ourselves to them, we have "said" with our actions that we accept them the way they are. If you knew he had an issue with porn, I'd be very interested to know how he conveinced you that the problem would stop as you become even more emotionally involved. I personally could not marry a man that I KNEW had a issue with porn. |
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JoeMS
Posts:41
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| 10/27/2009 2:30 PM |
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I know a couple of men who find SA and other similar support groups quite helpful. I'm like other men who prefer books and online discussions groups.
The Every Mans Series by Fred Stoeker and Steve Arturburn is quite good for Christian men. They have discussion groups at fredstoeker.com and everymansbattle.ning.com. If he is not practicing you might start with something more medical but also Christian such as Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Dr. Laaser (also good for men with weird fetishes or problems)
Dr Judith Reisman. http://www.drjudithreisman.com presents very compelling scientific information. This article in particular got my attention, especially around pp. 19-23.
http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/pharma.doc
Dr P. Carnes is well respected on this topic http://www.sexhelp.com/
xxxchurch is different to say the least. It probably would appeal to teens.
NetNanny has many good articles
http://www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article_list/cat/pornography
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Lisa J
Posts:1
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| 10/20/2010 1:59 PM |
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| My husban has been addicted to porn since we were married. I new it, and ignored it, thinking it would disolve. When my daughter was one year old I used to catch him watching porn over the internet often. I felt betrayed, cheap, unloved, and felt like when we were together I had to be like the women he was watching. Well, 16 years have gone by now and his addiction has never left. We have involved in our church, served and even held prayer groups and bible studies over the years. Often throughout the years I caught him indulging and would approach him about it. He would respond angry, and most of the time deny it. My pain was so evident, but his addiction was more improtant than how I felt. My desire to serve God and grow closer to Him with my husband was so important. I wanted Gods blessings for us as a couple and for our family. Long story short, I am so tired of this struggle, I feel like it has pulled me away from drawing closer to the Lord (whom I have served almost all my life) because of just plain being "weary". I caught my husband again this summer watching porn on the computer and we talked about it and he said he would change, but lied about his time spent again with it over the years. I then caught him about a month later. We were up half the night talking about it and he was defending himseld the whole time, and questioning it like it was ok! Well, what is so painful is my daughter overheard the conversation, this is soooo painful! We went to Hawaii in April for vacation, and about 2 weeks ago I found photo of many women, especially young women, on his computer. The photos were graphic, this was so painful it has hurt me beyond hurt. We have built a life together, and my trust in him is gone. He says he wants to change but I see no evidence or him pursing the change. He has talket to a friend and they have prayed, but that is all. I can't be with him, physically right now, and I am trying to let God heal. I feel trapped and really don't know who to talk to. I did read "For women only" it has helped, i understand. I want to trust again but don't know how......I am tired. |
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tiredofinsecurity
Posts:1
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| 12/07/2010 3:41 PM |
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| I just finished reading FWO and found it to be very insightful, however to felt so sad and embarrased after reading Chapter 6. I try and keep myself looking good for myself and my husband and know that he truly does love me however this revelation has hurt me to the core! I have recently discovered that he has been on porn sites on the internet.... i was shocked! he doesn't come across as this type of man, really, as a women you think you can generally "pick" these guys out of the crowd with their wondering eyes and inappropriate comments. He is not like this at all, in fact he is VERY respectful of me. I was so devasted that i couldn't even talk about it for quite awile, it just boiled inside and i pushed him away as i couldn't take the pain and hurt!!! I have even met with a plastic surgeon and i'm still in the process of seriously considering breast augmentation, i have always struggled with this body feature and this has made it horrible!! I can't stop thinking about him looking at other women wishing that i looked like that! It hurts so bad the tears never seem to end. I feel like he has cheated on me, i now that he hasn't but it feels like it! He promised that he would never do it again since he has seen how much it hurts me but i just can't seem to let it go! I keep wondering if he is at home doing it right now! His work keeps him on the computer pretty much all day, everyday! I just feel like i can't trust him now, I HATE this feeling sooo much! I love him, truly i do but i want to be his everything. Why should women spend all that extra time and energy on our appearance when he's just going to picture some other women anyway! I don't understand how a woman can win this battle..... I am so depressed and sad that I don't know how to be the supporting wife he needs me to be when he can't love me enough to stop this behavior. Please help.... |
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